The fear of being with others ... or the feeling of not "fitting in" ...

                                 My grandmother's house in Figueira da Foz

Having been born in a fairly wealthy family, surrounded by servants who were supposed to  also substitute the friends I very rarely had (except those at school, in the  extra curricula school activites, such as ballet and piano lessons or  in the eventual games mosly played with my brothers and cousin, in which I was the odd one out ...), I always found it difficult to adapt to the typical children birthday parties' atmosphere or any other party for that matter ... because of not "fitting in" ...

I was more of an "isolated" type of child, who used to "travel" in the innumerous adventure books my mother bought for me or "fly" up and down and around the military barracks'gardens just at the end of my grandmother's street on my bike for endless hours ...

My sense of "inner" freedom must have started then ... Books provided the references,  opening up the horizons...  (apart from the Enid Blyton ones, "Aventura entre ciganos" - Adventure within the Gipsy community - was the book I was mostly impressed with, as a 6 or 7 year old child) ...  and the bike provided the temporary "wings" with which I took to the fearless "roads" of my imagination ... without "tied up" hands ... in a  seemingly never ending energy ... which would surprise everyone (as I was fairly tiny and fragile ...).

Being confined to a world of strict behavioural attitudes, society parties at the Tennis club society or even the Casino ballrooms every weekend  at a slightly later age (8 or 9) ... didn't make it easier on me ... because I still felt I didn't "fit in" (though I must confess I didn't exactly dislike them)... but the streets and my "imagination" were the territories I most felt easy at ... I needn't be among others ... I just needed to be ...

I love travelling on my own ... and have  ... until recently ... Being on my own is also something I don't  quite dislike ... the weight of not "fitting in" is not that strong ... but the habit of being the "odd" one out still bears some resemblance to the past ...

In front of the commercial harbour, Figueira da Foz, 2009

Note: I (at the age of 6) and my brother Miguel just behind me at Teresa Fontão's birthday party (Black and white photograph).